Thursday, January 31, 2013

today: the truth does more than hurt

Today I am really grateful for: the difficult truths that are hard to hear but ultimately necessary.

Today I am sorry for: hurting people when I feel hurt.

Today I am thinking about: how we respond to suffering. Do we respond with loving kindness or cruelty? (Also: this.)

Today I am going to sleep hoping: I can truly live with beginner's mind and be the friend, daughter, neighbor, colleague, sister, and partner that the people around me deserve and that I deserve to be.

Today I am reading:

Paradise

by Louis Jenkins
January finally drags into February and one fumbles with
numb fingers at the ordinary knots and hooks of life. People
are irritable, difficult. Some days you want to stay in bed
with the covers over your head and dream of paradise. A
place where the warm sea washes the white sand. There
are a few palm trees on the higher ground, many brightly
colored fish in the lagoon, waves breaking on the reef
farther out. No one in sight. Occasionally an incredibly
large, split-second shark darkens the clear water. Sea birds
ride the wind currents, albatross, kittiwake, ... and pass
on. Day after day, sea wind and perfect sky .... You make a
big heap of driftwood on the beach.


Tomorrow: I begin again. Simple as that. 

Monday, January 28, 2013

Walkin'

New snow fell over the weekend, and with it came some simple realizations:

1. Snow-covered tree branches are in the top three of my all time favorite things.

2. Walks might be my number one.

Ironically enough, I was driving down a snowy street (ridiculously slow mind you), when I saw my friend Jack walking his two dogs. I stopped, rolled down my window, and hollered greetings at him (like any good neighbor would), and then continued on my way after we exchanged the proper number of pleasantries. And then I got really jealous about his walk. And then I realized how much I love walks. Which was followed by the thought that my favorite way to see any place - whether new or well known - is by foot. I am always down for a walking tour of a city.

As I turned the corner, I was suddenly in a corridor of snow-covered trees, and I was overcome with the desire to pull over my Toyota, hop out, and explore this place with my feet. Walks emcompass so much for me. Walks are incredibly romantic: I consider a walk as much a love poem as an actual love poem. I love taking walks as a way to mark seasonal shifts. Crunchy leaves underfoot, pink petals lining the sidewalk, the smell of lilacs perfuming the air, slick ice causing me to be extra careful. I like walking and talking with friends just as much as I like walking quietly with another person. I like creeping through back alleyways and peeking over fences at gardens. I will never find speed walking pleasurable or understandable. I wander, meander, mosey, and - very rarely & briefly - skip.

And I especially like seeing a familiar place in a new way.

Take for instance, another great walk related moment from this weekend.

My friend and I were babysitting the adorable three-year-old twins of another friend of ours. The kids ended up being delightful, but the new puppy was a royal terror. After his second pee on the carpet, I told my friend to stay put while I took Harris for a long walk. It was 10:30pm, the night was very dark and very cold, and I was in an unfamiliar neighborhood. Or, at least, unfamiliar in these particular conditions.

I have never owned a dog and didn't grow up with one, so besides the occassional dog walk with a friend, this was a new experience for me. This was definitely my very first evening-alone-with-a-pup walk.

At first, with Harris tugging me along, and a few near spills on invisible patches of ice, I found myself grumbling about the burdens of dog ownership. It was cold, Harris was being a bit annoying, and I wasn't sure I felt totally safe. Yet, something urged me on: perhaps my strong desire to wear Harris out and avoid another accident, perhaps my equally strong desire to get past my discomfort and into a place of enjoying this unknown ritual.

And what do you know? As Harris started to tire out a little and tug at me less, I started to see the walk in a totally different way. Suddenly we were on a street that was familiar to me. Soon we were passing a hardware store, garden shop, ice cream place, and bakery that I had frequented a few years back when I lived closer to this part of the city.

It looked so different in this light, with a dog by my side. I was intrigued. I looked up at the sky, and saw beautiful moon-light-lined clouds moving fast. I suddenly was a lot less cold and in a lot less of a hurry.

I realized that this walk, this moment with Harris in this familiar yet unfamiliar place, was unique. Perhaps what I was really experiencing was the realization of the brevity of life, and the singular nature of every single moment in time. The nature of time itself. This Saturday in January of 2013 walking with Harris the dog would never happen again, and no walk would ever be just like this walk. Suddenly I understood the benefit of dog ownership.

Ahh, the philosophy of the walk. The deep/not-so-deep musings of the walker. This thought-pattern is comforting and familiar! And probably part of why I love walks!

Each walk is a little adventure, at its best allowing us to see our world with fresh eyes,



Friday, January 25, 2013

Winter Self Portrait

It's bone chillingly cold here, so I am taking thermal photos to remind myself of the warmth within.



I think they look pretty interesting.

Also:

My nostril has some heat.

I don't always look this surprised.

When I'm not confused by technology - aka 99% of the time - I am smiling. Therefore, this could also be called "Atypical Self Portrait."

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Some Overdue G-O-A-L-S

Offff-dahhhh. Have I been avoiding this or have I been busy avoiding this?

Sure, the last week has been busy - with a very full workload & a ton of social engagements - but the last week has also been extremely cold and thus I've had plenty of opportunities to sit here in front of this ol' computer screen and pound out some 2013 goals. Heck: January is nearly over! Let's get to it.

(As a sidenote, I have a book called to-do list with a bunch of fantastic lists in it, as well as prompts for you to write your own crazy lists. I originally went there for inspiration for this blog post, only for the DIY list I turned to to be called "Things to Do Before Having Kids." Since I don't know if I want kids, I suppose this prompt is as good as saying "Just write your damn 2013 goals already!")

Health/Fitness Goal: Feel awesome about my body by the time I am a bridesmaid in Rebecca's wedding. (This gives me until September and since I'm mostly feeling awesome already, I just have a small way to go...)

Work Goal: Simply put, create some healthy boundaries and establish rituals to establish a better work-life balance.

Home Goal: Dedicate more time this summer to establishing the perennial parts of my garden AND have an awesome outdoor light display next winter (which means I will have to hire an electrician to install some outside outlets.) Is this display way too much of a stretch to be my ultimate goal? Dream big I say!

Relationship Goal: Do some things by myself that feel a little bit scary but ultimately nurturing. Ideas: take a trip alone, go to a play alone, take a mini road-trip alone, visit an orchard by myself. All of these are activities I love, but that I avoid doing alone. The relationship I have with myself is crucial this year.

Daily Goals: Drink 5+ glasses of water a day. Take ten minutes of silence at the start and end of the day (bookend with silence). Gossip less at the office. Bring healthy snacks to work so I don't crave salt/sugar/salt (on repeat). Continue doing my facial regime with my awesome new Ole products. Give one sincere compliment a day. Take a moment each day to note one thing I am grateful for.

Weekly Goals: Make my own lunch more days than I go out to lunch. Do strength-training at least twice a week. Sit in the sauna once a week, perhaps less in the summer. Have one car-free day per week.

Spiritual Goals: Go to church at least once a month. Do Sun Salutations yoga at least once a week. Read one book about spirituality, faith, or religion that really challenges my beliefs.

Super Awesome Fun GoalS: Take a trip to somewhere I've never been. Take a few classes where I am a true beginner. See one of my life-long friends that I haven't seen in a decade (Dave or Shannon). Look into an adventure for my 30th birthday (dogsledding??)

Incredibly Random Goals that Don't Fit Elsewhere: Wear sunblock ALL the time in the summer. Read one book a month. Deal with my possible mustache.


I already mentioned that I decided the mantra of this year is to enjoy my time and embrace my fresh starts. Writing down my goals for myself is a way to acknowledge that ways that every day we begin again, and a fresh start is always possible.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Teusday's Inspiration

Watch this.

I hope I can live my life with as much love and intention as is present in the moment this video depicts.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Before and After: The Kitchen

There are still a few small pieces to finish up in my kitchen, but it's so nearly complete that I felt it was due time to share the amazing transformation pictures. Here are some side-by-side comparisons of different parts of the room. (Sidenote: this is a huge project for me, and while wedding dress shopping with & for my pal Rebecca yesterday, I decided this kitchen is my wedding. The appliances = the dress. The counter-tops = the catering. The light fixtures = the flowers. Etc, etc, etc. Basically, to rationalize draining my rainy-day-fund into this space, I am seeing it as a transformational life event akin to those that all my friends are undertaking (and spending money on) that I am not. When I look at it that way, I think perhaps I should set up a registry for my kitchen...mostly joking...at the least I might write some cheesy vows and pop some bubbly when the feeling moves me.)


Pantry/Fridge Becomes Back Entry

Opposite Side of Pantry
Sink wall becomes fridge and counter space

View into the pantry before and after (back door moved!)

Stove wall

Window wall total transformation

Cooking in this gorgeous space is the best. Here are some of my favorite views:

Hidden in the lower cabinet are cookbooks. I love how functional this formerly unused space is! I also love getting to display my favorite vintage glasses and pottery in the glass front cabinets bookending the windows.

For fun, I painted the edge of my basement door the same orange-red as the back door. So when it's open a bit you get a little surprise pop of color.

The view into the kitchen from the front entry, with a little peek of the amazing vintage-inspired lights. This view is so stunning and still very shocking to me.

And a final marvel of this space: all the light! The photo below was taken on my cell a few days ago as I was leaving for work. All the light you see is what is spilling in through the windows. I love how bright and inviting the room is. And that pop of red (on the then drying back door) is absolutely the best.


Thursday, January 10, 2013

2 poems for thursday

I've been nourished by poetry these days. Sometimes it's just the perfect line. Sometimes it's the fragility of language and meaning itself. Sometimes it's a place I've been, while other times it's foreign but brings up empathy and compassion in me. The contradictions appeal: the simplicity and complexity of a few words strung together, somehow it really is a comfort.

A link to one: here.

And one typed out with intention - found scribbled with past intention in my journal - here:

Keys
by Nancy Henry

When things got hard
I used to drive and keep on driving -
once to North Carolina
once to Arizona -
I'm through with all that now, I hope.
The last time was years ago.

But oh, how I would drive
and keep on driving!
The universe around me
all well in my control;
anything I wanted on the radio,
the air blasting, hot or cold,
sobbing as loudly as I cared to sob,
screaming as loudly as I needed to scream.
I would live on apples and black coffee,
shower at truck stops,
sleep curled up
in the cozy back seat I loved.

The last time, I left at 3 a.m.
By New York State,
I stopped screaming;
by Tulsa
I stopped sobbing;
by the time I pulled into Flagstaff
I was thinking
about the Canyon,
I was so empty.
Thinking about the canyon
I was.

I sat on the rim at dawn,
let all the colors fill me.
It was cold. I saw my breath
like steam from a soup pot.
I saw small fossils in the gravel.
I saw how much world there was

how much darkness
could be swept out
by the sun.