August Shares

I want to eat this, live in this, make campfires under a starry sky with this, and live with a spirit of happy to have been here.

Also, a hermit crab could make an ok pet, granted it has a tricked out home.

hello: late july gratitude

Today was a gratitude-filled day.

I was grateful for the rain that came steady and strong this morning after I spent five hours yesterday afternoon in my garden. This is something a gardener longs for: rain after a day digging around in the soil. What a gift!

I was grateful for a morning naming ceremony for my friend's new daughter, Eliana. And I was just as grateful for the generous spread of lox, cream cheese, bagels, and kugel that awaited us after the ceremony. (I don't know what it says about me that these produced equal levels of gratitude...)

I was grateful for a peaceful afternoon of honest contemplation with my friend, Julia. When the rest of our women's group ("Our Circle") couldn't make it today, we came together anyway and had a most intimate and caring circle, just the two of us.

I am grateful for this very profound piece of writing, and for anyone who would be willing to discuss it with me.

I am grateful for burying hatchets and rebuilding bridges. Very grateful.

I am grateful for my weekly horoscope from Freewill Astrology, which I have read outloud to at least five different people, and plan to explore more in this blog at a later date. This provoked some good soul-searching and resonated with me on some soul-shaking level:

How close do you really want to be to the people you care about? I invite you to think about this with unsentimental candor. Do you prefer there to be some distance between you? Are you secretly glad there's a buffer zone that prevents you from being too profoundly engaged? I'm not saying that's a bad thing. It might be correct for who you are right now. I merely want to suggest that it's important for you to know the exact nature of your need for intimacy. If you find that you actually do want to be closer, spend the next four weeks making that happen. Ask your precious allies to collaborate with you in going deeper.

Finally: I am not so much grateful for this as I am touched by it, but how wonderful is it to see a picture of your beloved nephew (on his 2nd birthday) and flash back to a dear moment in your own childhood?

1987........................................................2013

Pretty dang sweet.

Super grateful for the many reminders of a nourishing and ever-evolving life.

update: list and links version

What I'm eating: Apparently, a lot of pesto-related dishes. In the order of my affinity: kale, almond, and wasabi. (Also, I now drink cucumbers, who knew that would be good?)

What I'm reading: Two books that are rather embarrassing to read on the bus, for obvious reasons.

What I am planting: Bright colors and pollinator attractors.

What I'm thinking about: Travels to new places and a road trip through places I know well, 
and love. 

What I'm obsessing about: my closet and "so many clothes nothing to wear" syndrome; 
possibly addressing said clothing boredom with a few key pieces from Etsy (1 or 2 or 3);
needing wanting a vacation; how to beat the heat; will my backyard ever be the garden I dream of?

Miscellaneous Thoughts: How is it already July? Is it actually raining after I planted all afternoon/do the weather gods smile down on me?  Might this actually save a life, because I think it revitalized mine for a moment.

gladness

I'm glad it's June.
I'm glad I finally made those smokey beet burgers.
I'm glad my floor cleaner smells like roses and that I mopped so I can smell it.
I'm glad I've worn dresses practically every day for the last week.
I'm glad to have friends I can send silly texts and emails to.
I'm glad the slivers of soap in my garden appear to be keeping away the rabbits.
I'm glad it hasn't rained in over 48 hours.
I'm glad I have the support of many to make the changes I want and need.
I'm glad that looking at a map and plotting a road trip west inspires me.
I'm glad to have three groups that play three distinct but equally important roles in my life.
I'm glad for creative conversations and new connections, unexpectedly.
I'm glad I have a new compost bin.
I'm glad not all of my flowers have bloomed yet, so I have something to anticipate.

Words to Live By

Every morning we are born again.
What we do today is what matters most.

Present-moment living is everything right now.

The buds on the trees. The greens of the perennials poking through the surface. When this Lucinda Williams song comes on my Pandora station as I wake up. The grass getting greener every day. My bright red shoes, worn two days in a row. An email exchange with one of my favorite writer's husband (both of whom I met!) A welcome mat that looks like a watermelon (impulse buy). Opening the windows throughout my house. Perfect homemade granola (batch 1 and 2). A kiss through the computer-screen from my favorite nephew. My neighbor's dog resting her head on my hand* as she exhales peacefully. Sorting seed packets. Three new dresses, all of which make the saleslady raise an eyebrow (crazy patterns and color!) Starting and ending the day with a poem.



*one of my all-time favorite things

Survival 101

Packing List for a Mad World

• Consume media in moderation 
• Question your sources
• Look for the good
• Withhold judgment 
• Make eye contact with "strangers"
• Question what cultural stories are causing you to classify other human beings as "strangers"
• While you're at it, explore the definition of "security" and what makes you feel secure
• Listen to wise friends who say "fear is a liar"
• Hold your breath and hope the world will surprise you 
• But if it doesn't, check your privilege. 

Careful Consideration of the Good

Today was a very challenging day, but since the careless use of words is what made today so heartbreaking, I will just use a few words as best as I can.

Things I am grateful for:

Delicious, healthy meals enjoyed with a group of old friends.

A circle of women who provide strength and wisdom for each other - and my luck in being a part of the circle!

The wise words of the book Tiny, Beautiful Things - and the ritual of reading a few pages before bed.

The sound of melting snow and cracking ice....but also the knowledge that more snow will cover the tree branches tomorrow.  (It's okay that this is a bit contradictory.)

Having a friend I can lovingly create a care package for. And including a favorite book from my childhood that he will surely love!

The beauty and serenity of the simple things - such as a stack of vintage plates, washed with care and quiet intention at the end of a very long day.

As a sidenote: I will never forgot the time in church that the minister read a poem about a father teaching his daughter to swim in the sea. The father told the frightened girl to let go, and fall back into the water - he assured her that the salty sea water would keep her afloat. The minister compared our church community to an ocean - that all the congregants make up this body, this great, strong mass that holds things up. He said that as an individual in the church community sometimes you will be a part of the ocean, holding up other individuals who need the support, and sometimes you will be the one being held by the ocean.

Sometimes you are the ocean; sometimes you need the ocean. Today I needed the ocean, and was lucky enough to fall back and discover a number of bodies keeping me afloat.

hello: the things I like

I was so inspired by that adorable video I posted about earlier this week, that I have found myself thinking - in the midst of some very annoying debbie-downer-esque moping - what are the things I like? What are the small to grand things that I use to shake off my fear and march boldly into my life?

Before I get into this project, here are a few things:

1) This morning I listened to the New Year's Eve This American Life episode (better late than never) about self-improvement. The story about Daryl Watson really captured me. He tells the story of a time in his life when he felt very lost and without direction (feels familiar) and how he went about trying to find it. This story resonated with me for a few reasons:

• He said he just wanted to figure out his "Mission Statement." Hmmm, that seems like what I am trying to do every day of my life these days. (Dramatic much?)
• What ended up bringing him peace was not 'figuring it out,' but rather not focusing so much on the ultimate answer or destination. Again, this sounds pretty familiar and a message I have been receiving in various forms for the majority of my twenties.

2) I think this blog has become way too serious. I got to my 100th entry and it was a moping mess about hurt and loss and pain. While I definitely am in the midst of some serious questions (see above), I also aim to reclaim this space as a bit more positive and hopeful. I feel so far away from that part of myself, but I know it's not lost and gone forever.

On that note:

Things I Like (in no particular order but specific to this particular moment in time):

-A fresh onion bagel, smeared with cold cream cheese, topped with lox, red onions, and capers, accompanied by a glass of orange juice. (Tonight's breakfast AND post-shoveling snack.)

-On-going inside jokes between close friends that may involve sending goofy things in the mail to each other.

-Having an entire drawer dedicated to crafting.

-Going a bit overboard on a work-related craft project using said craft drawer, an entire roll of gold duct tape, jewels, and many, many pom-poms.

-Prematurely dreaming of spring and my garden.

-Making a path through freshly fallen snow.

-Also: not being so scared of cold snow going down my pants -- making a snow angel in the middle of my backyard.

-Discovering that the snowblower is broken and being forced to shovel, which takes thirty extra minutes but also invites a peace and quiet not present in doing it quickly (and loudly) with the snowblower.

-Any physical task such as shoveling that reminds me of the hard, satisfying work of farming.

-NPR Music's Tiny Desk Concert Series, and right now especially this one. 

-Ending the evening with a list of things I like and a handwritten letter to one of my BFFs.

Off to do the latter now...

Best of 2012

My friend Rebecca and I must have the same afternoon slump patterns, as typically a few times a week between 2-4pm we fall into rapid-send-email-frenzies. Today's frantic - and extremely important - communication spurt - complete with way too many question-marks and exclamation-points (per usual) - gave me the idea for tonight's entry. In one of our many tangents, Rebecca was telling me about her friend, Lindsay, who I should remember because she was "the one who saw you on election day. hahahahahaha!"

So, as the story goes, on election day Rebecca's high school friend Lindsay thought she recognized me in line to vote, based on Rebecca having featured me in her blog a few times. She was trying to figure out if it was indeed Rebecca's friend Sara, when she heard me eagerly engaging in conversation with a neighbor ahead of me in line....about vegetables.

As Rebecca said to me over hysterical laughter later that day, upon hearing the nature of the conversation and the level of enthusiasm in my voice, of course Lindsay got confirmation it was definitely Rebecca's friend Sara. I just love the idea of being caught excitedly, lovingly (and loudly) chatting it up about vegetables while thinking I was being rather quiet and lowkey. The walls have ears in my neighborhood polling place! I additionally love that Lindsay reported back to Rebecca, who reported back to me. Something so charming about this little instance of community via community. In it's random, quirky way, it was one of my favorite memories of 2012.

So, what were the other Best of 2012 moments? All together now:

Let's break that down:

.


My mother's kitchen sink becomes a bathtub.

The harvest.            

Gathering with women of many generations for yoga in an old barn, where bats and birds swooped low over our heads as we held strong poses by the light of many candles. A restorative weekend of movement, laughter, conversation, and amazing food.

Decade-long friends still being able to surprise you - and bring you to the most sincere laughter-mixed-tears.

A spur-of-the-moment project - one girl, a shovel, and some determination - turned into an afternoon to evening backyard transformation, completed by the flickering glow of a headlamp. 

A most sacred and beautiful place. Equal parts adventure and solitude.

The first snowperson constructed at my home...and a new companion's first snowperson ever. Sharing firsts with someone you care about.

Any and every moment seen through these eyes.

An autumn and election-season that finally felt restorative.

The first meal in the new kitchen using Grandma Bernice's old crinkle-vegetable cutter on multicolored root vegetables. Old is new again.










Thanksgiving with a dear friend and his dear family, in a beautiful Southern town, where even a stranger from Up North is practically family by weekend's end.

A meal cooked for me with care and intention.

Inspiration boards made with a circle of trusted friends.

Bringing kindness and sincerity into a place that needs more of it.

First blooms.

And this blog.

The practice of noticing. The commitment to keeping a record of it. The dedication to not shrinking away from the truth, no matter how ugly or beautiful or uncomfortable or desperate or raw and unedited.

This year I've tracked many goodbyes and many hellos. I've tried to record them here, sometimes while sitting at my computer in a not-ugly robe. I've tried to be true to my voice, even when it was shaky and unsure. I've reveled at the rare moments where I've said exactly what I meant.


This year I decided to befriend myself, and the blog was a big part of that. Befriending yourself means giving yourself the same patience, love, and forgiveness you give to your dearest friends. Through writing more - always from a place of honesty - I've done my best to extend that care back towards myself.

Bring it on 2013. You have a lot to live up to.

Exhaustion

This week really took it out of me, in areas both interesting and quite mundane.

First, what about that election, eh?

I stayed up way too late to watch local results of some important races, and I have suffered for the remainder of the week because of this decision...but probably I'm also exhausted because my pure elation from these hateful amendments NOT passing just took it out of me. It feels so good to be a part of the winning team, and for that win to be about basic, core human rights. YES.


So in no particular order here are some things making me happy these days:

-You know, this guy.

-The recent discovery of a fantastic cooking/lifestyle blog called Joy the Baker. I love this lady! How did I not know about her for my entire life?!

-And although I am kinda sad I won't get to make those amazing looking pumpkin bars from Joy's site anytime soon, I am SO excited that tomorrow my kitchen renovation starts!! I feel like a ridiculously lucky human that my dream kitchen is about to become a reality.

-Not one but two friends have asked if they can set me up with a friend of theirs. Nice for people to be thinking of me and possible connections of the romantic variety.

-I go to Mississippi in a few weeks to celebrate Thanksgiving with my dear friend Joseph. Dirty South Thanksgiving 2012!

-I purchased some new clothing this weekend, and three of the four pieces are bright red and two of the four pieces have stripes. I know what I like.

-I rearranged my bedroom, and the subtle changes make it feel like a whole new world. I am so cozy and my bedroom feels like a sanctuary.

-I've lost some weight such that I could fit into a tiny skirt that I've been unable to wear because I didn't feel confident in it until now. And my friend objectified me while I was wearing the skirt, so I think it was working for me.

-Also, I have gained muscles. 

-Soy nog is back in season and I am single-handedly making it worthwhile for the Co-op to keep that delicious holiday treat in stock!

Last bit of happiness? That even though this list is hilariously boring, I am going to post this anyway because it's my blog and I get to be as boring as I damn well please, and also: this.