Some Overdue G-O-A-L-S

Offff-dahhhh. Have I been avoiding this or have I been busy avoiding this?

Sure, the last week has been busy - with a very full workload & a ton of social engagements - but the last week has also been extremely cold and thus I've had plenty of opportunities to sit here in front of this ol' computer screen and pound out some 2013 goals. Heck: January is nearly over! Let's get to it.

(As a sidenote, I have a book called to-do list with a bunch of fantastic lists in it, as well as prompts for you to write your own crazy lists. I originally went there for inspiration for this blog post, only for the DIY list I turned to to be called "Things to Do Before Having Kids." Since I don't know if I want kids, I suppose this prompt is as good as saying "Just write your damn 2013 goals already!")

Health/Fitness Goal: Feel awesome about my body by the time I am a bridesmaid in Rebecca's wedding. (This gives me until September and since I'm mostly feeling awesome already, I just have a small way to go...)

Work Goal: Simply put, create some healthy boundaries and establish rituals to establish a better work-life balance.

Home Goal: Dedicate more time this summer to establishing the perennial parts of my garden AND have an awesome outdoor light display next winter (which means I will have to hire an electrician to install some outside outlets.) Is this display way too much of a stretch to be my ultimate goal? Dream big I say!

Relationship Goal: Do some things by myself that feel a little bit scary but ultimately nurturing. Ideas: take a trip alone, go to a play alone, take a mini road-trip alone, visit an orchard by myself. All of these are activities I love, but that I avoid doing alone. The relationship I have with myself is crucial this year.

Daily Goals: Drink 5+ glasses of water a day. Take ten minutes of silence at the start and end of the day (bookend with silence). Gossip less at the office. Bring healthy snacks to work so I don't crave salt/sugar/salt (on repeat). Continue doing my facial regime with my awesome new Ole products. Give one sincere compliment a day. Take a moment each day to note one thing I am grateful for.

Weekly Goals: Make my own lunch more days than I go out to lunch. Do strength-training at least twice a week. Sit in the sauna once a week, perhaps less in the summer. Have one car-free day per week.

Spiritual Goals: Go to church at least once a month. Do Sun Salutations yoga at least once a week. Read one book about spirituality, faith, or religion that really challenges my beliefs.

Super Awesome Fun GoalS: Take a trip to somewhere I've never been. Take a few classes where I am a true beginner. See one of my life-long friends that I haven't seen in a decade (Dave or Shannon). Look into an adventure for my 30th birthday (dogsledding??)

Incredibly Random Goals that Don't Fit Elsewhere: Wear sunblock ALL the time in the summer. Read one book a month. Deal with my possible mustache.


I already mentioned that I decided the mantra of this year is to enjoy my time and embrace my fresh starts. Writing down my goals for myself is a way to acknowledge that ways that every day we begin again, and a fresh start is always possible.

Fresh Start

Blog, you've been good to me.

One of my 2012 goals was to write more. Apparently I have succeeded because per my annual traditional to write out my New Year goals in my paper journal, I discovered I have been ignoring that thing! My last handwritten entry was in March 2012. Sheesh.Yet here, on the World Wide Web, I wrote nearly 90 entries in 2012. Yes! Success!

Looking back over my 2012 goals, I was pleased to see that I have really followed through on a number of them in addition to the writing goal. I've been more thoughtful about how my money goes out into the world, I've been commited to my health and getting to a healthy/comfortable weight, and I've removed negative and toxic influences in various ways. I've still got a ways to go in the work-life balance aspirations, but it's nice to have something to continue to work towards.

So, later this week I will write down - in detail - some of my mundane to fascinating 2013 dreams, but for now a teeny pre-slumber preview/anecdote.

After spending some time writing in detail about 2013 - my hopes for 2013, my desires for 2013, my names for 2013, and my spiritual practices for 2013 - I set my ultimate intention for the coming year. My intention is:

To enjoy 2013 and make the most of a fresh start.

Writing that down - using up an entire page of my journal just to write those words - inspired a huge, satisfied sigh to leave my being. I put the cap on my pen, put my journal down, and grabbed the first book from my nightstand that my hand touched. It just happened to be a book I haven't consulted in far too long, Pema Chodron's The Places that Scare You.

I opened the book and it fell right to the chapter called "Fresh Start."

Damn, universe, I love you for providing instant affirmation.

Pema writes:

We will discover forgiveness as a natural expression of the open heart, an expression of our basic goodness. This potential is inherent in every moment. Each moment is an opportunity to make a fresh start.

Amen.

Onward and upward!

Do Nothing

Where has the summer gone? Where has October gone? Where has all my time gone? Where have my twenties gone? (Too dramatic.)

Yikes. It's been an annoyingly, stupidly busy few weeks and I can't say there is actually much worth noting within those weeks. I am moving forward on my first-ever home renovation and I am therefore having nightmares constantly, where essentially I second guess this decision in every way possible. Yet, I am still moving forward. I AM MAKING THIS HOUSE BETTER, DAMMIT.

There's also been a lot of gym time within these last few weeks, including a crazy circuit class at my Y that had me begging for mercy just during what they called "warm ups." Ha! Humbling.

I've also been saying YES to way too many things. The problem is, it's all things I want to say yes to. This is a new dilemma. Sometimes I worried that I was making myself busy just because of some sick ego thing or some fear of what being 'not busy' would do for my sense of self. Like, better be busy than alone and suddenly discovering I'm not just alone, but actually lonely. (That's the fear, right?) 

But suddenly my busy-ness and saying YES to all these things offered to me is because I genuinely want to do all these things. When that happens, it is so much harder to say NO. And why would I say NO? Perhaps because my balance, health, and well-being are also linked to not being so busy that I fall into bed exhausted at the end of each day, sighing as my body struggles to rest after a day that feels like it contained a weeks worth of 'stuff.'

So, I am going to try really hard to have at least one 'do nothing' day a week. I used to be a lot better about this, and reserved my Sundays for what I referred to as a "sabbath day" or a personal day of rest. Though not religious, I found the symbolism of a sabbath day too good to pass up. Some of these days were actually rather busy - brunch with friends, a walk around the neighborhood, cleaning the house, going to a meditation class, etc. Others, I literally just sat on my ass. But the point was to only do what I was sincerely moved to do: which sometimes meant a lot and sometimes meant nothing at all.

After looking back over my last two months, I think I have fallen out of this habit in a way that is not so good for my emotional, physical, or mental well-being. So I am going to have some damn DO NOTHING days and they are starting......as soon as I have time.

I guess that's the problem.

what we give up to grow (up)

Tonight I spent a solitary evening pushing a mop, washing and folding stranger's towels, and wiping dust off windowsills. This simple work, two hours total every Wednesday for the unforeseeable future, gives me the ability to take unlimited yoga & pilates classes at a small studio a few miles from my house. The work itself felt meditative and relaxing. Alone in the studio, with the lights dimmed, folding towels for tomorrow's patrons of the studio, quiet except for the cars passing outside, I felt at peace.

It's funny, I've talked about giving up my metaphorical ugly robes to find the good ones, but when I started this project I didn't envision some of the choices I've ended up making. I guess that's the fun part. Tonight I did something I had envisioned though: I traded skills. What was surprising is that it could be something so simple: really it was just my time and willingness to do some unglamorous, but not difficult, tasks. But by giving of my time and energies, I gain something very tangible in return: yoga. Which is something I've recently identified as a possibly really healthy addition to my life; something worth making time and pausing for. A worthy investment.

I guess that was one part I didn't envision: what it was I would want to trade for, and how simple it would be to get it.

I also didn't envision what I'd have to give up in order to gain.

In this particular instance, I decided to stop playing kickball on the team I've co-captained for the last three years: spring, summer, and fall seasons x 3 years x every Wednesday evening = a lot of kickball. I guess to be honest, on some egotistical level I also felt important on the team, and needed by my peers. So I stayed on the team longer than I wanted, and with negative influences and relationships around me, in order to not disappoint others or let down anyone. (Forget about disappointing myself: I was worried about the team.) So last week I decided to give it all up - at least for the time being or until it feels right to welcome it back into my life - in order to do some better self-care.

So that became a part of it too: walking out of something familiar, into something foreign.

This year I am learning how much this happens, how often this is necessary. In some ways it feels like I am shedding my old skin...

Is that what I mean though? Or do I mean that I am finding what skin I want to live in; I'm being a little more willing to risk trying out different versions of myself to get at who I want to be? It's about acceptance, yes, but also risk. It's about seeing while change is constant, it's more exciting to be the executor of some of our changes. I want to try new things and be more fully human because it's a choice I've made. I want to be happy and centered and caring for myself deeply - by choice.

And a big part of self care is reframing how I think about being alone. What activities can I take part in by myself that are energizing, life-giving, and nourishing, rather than depleting? At a retreat a few weekends ago, though surrounded by people, I discovered the possibility that yoga and pilates could be one life-affirming activity that is as good solo as it is in a group. Certainly caring for my body and my health is a huge part of the many activities I find joy in on my own - including cooking, gardening, going for walks, and reading outside. (Okay, that last one was a stretch...)

So tonight I discovered not just what I can give up, but what I can give, in order to receive the things I need. It's a small step, but a step towards more fully understanding myself and my place in this world. No (wo)man is an island, but sometimes to get back to the others, we first need to get back to our self.

Or at least that's my theory. I'll let you know how it all shakes out.

put a bird on it (my house)

Last week was taking a turn for the worse when I was running to the bus and about to slip my bare-feet in my cute new flats, and discovered what I thought was a rather fuzzy gray rock in one of the shoes.

Dead mouse.

Like many "home disasters," I confronted this one with shock followed by a deep feeling of injustice followed by a wish for help followed by an annoyance at my perceived need for help and ending with a silent dealing with the issue at hand. And just as when I removed the dead squirrel from beneath my back steps a few summers ago, when I was between roommates and was forced to confront these types of issues solo, I dealt with the dead mouse with silence until it was disposed of, and then let out a rather dramatic scream. Or whatever you call sustained screaming. It feels good: deal with the issue silently, then react dramatically.

I haven't been able to get my foot in the shoe since, as every time I look at it I think how cute and quirky the mouse looked all curled up upon itself - spooning the air in a way - probably not all that dissimilar to how I look while asleep. And the thought makes me a little depressed, so I am avoiding the shoes. Plus, I think I should probably Lysol the shit out of them and I don't have any on hand. (This is when being a green hippie does not translate well to the real world where mice die in pretty shoes and feet are scared to reenter that space without something poisonous that can kill any trace of dead mouse germs.)

BUT. After the dead mouse incident, which incidentally (good use of that word there) also made me miss my bus, my week improved.

My mom came to visit and there were no massive disagreements and we even laughed a bit - especially when she exited a public bathroom with toilet paper hanging out of her pants and had the most classically neurotic reaction. I also learned something new about her, which is that when I drop things in a store (an alarm clock off a shelf say) her reaction is to literally RUN AWAY, as if she doesn't know the person who is lame enough to drop objects in stores. I countered her embarrassment by saying loudly, "Why are you running away from your clumsy daughter?!"

But anyhow, we got home and yard improvement projects done, and that always makes me feel better about everything.

First, I tilled the heck out of my backyard. Here is an embarrassing shot of me getting stuck in a corner and probably cursing out the tiller:

That's really hard on your forearms, as you are pulling backwards intensely to keep yourself from getting dragged in the dirt by the fast-moving-machine. Here's the backyard after all our work, and despite how bad it looks, trust me it's come a long way in three years:

It's ready for my little vegetable farm, plus the area I put down grass seed last year has sprouted very healthy, very green grass. The raspberries in the back right corner also look happy! And the grapes on the fence are just starting to spring back to life.

My secret garden area also got a makeover:

When I moved in three years ago, I didn't even know there was a patio because it was buried in weeds! I am proud of our progress. The peony is very healthy, the irises my Mom transplanted last year are back, and the roses are starting to listen to me when I tell them to wrap beautifully around the fence.

Then we moved inside and hung some art in the orange room because Mom is really good at this and much more patient than I am in these matters. Behind every piece of art are a half dozen or more nail holes from my attempts at hanging art:

The first row is a bunch of Charley Harper "prints" I repurposed from an old calendar. The second row is artwork cherished by my housemate. The final piece of art is a needlepoint my mom made in the seventies of the seasons.

And let me just add, I looked at all the art throughout my house and about 80% of it has a bird on it and I just feel really annoyed that this has become some sort of hipster joke because I swear I have loved birds forever and always enjoyed them in artwork and now I am just a trendy dork. I worked at a bird sanctuary in 2003! I am ahead of the trend, dammit!

Then, when my mom left, I walked around and remembered - which I need to remember as often as possible - that even with mice dying in shoes, my house can be pretty charming and wonderful.

march: looking forward

 

This photo of my parent's new dog, Bea, makes my face hurt from laughing. But I also love it - I love how she is on the edge of something (literal), peaking out and waiting for her moment to (I imagine) bound down the stairs and into an adventure.

So with that in mind, it acts as my March inspiration as I strive to be a little more verbal about what my goals are for the coming days, weeks, and months - and then bound forward into them.

I've been rather vague in this space - speaking whimsically about ugly robes and whatnot - but I feel it's time to be a little more specific. I was inspired by my friend's own list of 101 things to do in 1001 days (I think I have the numbering right there), and I figured it wouldn't hurt to be a little more transparent about some goals I have for myself.  After all, sometimes it takes just saying it out loud to feel a little more inclined to take action.

So in no particular order a few things that have been top of mind:

1) The gym aka: my long-forgotten-lover. 

I go through periods of making working out a priority and getting to the gym nearly every day, and then I fall off the horse so hard and find a month (or more) has gone by since my last visit. Usually the fall occurs because life feels so dang busy and I just don't have the time. But that's a lie. I do have the time, I just am not finding the internal motivation to make it a priority. So when I talk about "the gym" as a goal, I really mean: How do I make exercise a part of my life in a way that is long-term and sustainable? Figure it out!

And more specifically, I want to achieve the health and well-being I know I am capable of. I think activity and exercise is a part of that picture, so I need to determine what has been keeping me from taking as good care of myself as I know I can be. 

2) Sometimes you're quirky and sometimes you're just alone.

I probably should put a little more effort into my dating life creating a dating life. It's been a ridiculously long time since I've put any effort into dating, and while I'm fine being alone, it feels silly to not explore this part of life.

3) Kitchen adventures.

I got a few amazing cookbooks as gifts recently. I want to use them more. I especially want to try recipes that seem a little scary or challenging. That's the point after all, right? This leads into another goal...

4) Think about how my money goes into the universe.

I just got a paper-shredder yesterday to get rid of YEARS of old documents and bills, and let me tell you the process was sobering. There are many things I know I can do in my life that not only are money-saving, but also make me feel better. Those things include: cooking rather than eating out, buying second-hand rather than new, drinking less alcohol, hosting more parties & potlucks rather than a night on the town. Also, when I spend my money more thoughtfully, I can have more treat yo self moments when I feel like it. Reason enough to be more thrifty throughout my life!

So those are four goals to get me started. They are rather large, so I might find myself whittling them down even more as I start to dig in. It did feel good to get them out there, because when I look at them they really do capture the top things that are on my mind right now: health, love, self-care, and money.  These are the parts of me that feel suffocating when I am ignoring them and energizing when I am giving them the attention they deserve.

Bounding down...

it's so hard to say goodbye

Truth be told, I didn't go through with my new robe purchase yet. Ack, I know what you must be thinking, I know this doesn't bode well for the heart of this project. But, in my defense, I got to reading reviews of the robe I had in mind, and it felt like a lot of negativity was surrounding a robe that, with shipping, would come to almost $100. Which felt like a hell of a lot of cash for something subpar.  So I have stalled on this simple task, though I have continued to hunt and hunt for my non-ugly robe.

Let me tell you, this is no easy feat!

This first option I found seems a little ridiculous. I mean, do I really need a robe nicer than some of my dresses?

If you have a high-fashion function in the near future, this robe might be perfect

That is not a robe! That is a very cute wrap dress! All it needs is a smart pair of shoes and proper accessories.

Then I found a robe that is on sale for $150 (on sale for $150!!) that just fills my head with questions:

If you prefer sheer robes, check it out here

Of course, the only actually important question is: how is this better than being naked?

Next, on a whim, I decided to do a search at a store I don't frequent, entirely out of curiosity I swear!! First of all, take a look at the page dedicated to robes: oh my.  I am particularly frightened by what I will now only think of as "satan-eyes robe":

If you want to do a seance this might be the robe for you

But if the final robe I found had been available in the traditional flannel pattern, rather than just "Alpine Trees," we may have had a winner:

You too could wear a robe outside, by clicking here

Which is to admit that my best option thus far is to embrace my inner masculinity...on a seashore...with a dreamy look in my eyes.

So the search continues...

february: in postcards and pictures

February is about doing.

It's about putting into action some of those little thoughts that just pop into your head, nag at your being, and linger by your side.

It's about saying "yes" to the silly ideas and the mad dreams. It's about not listening to the rude voice that thinks it's being logical and says, "That can't be done."

So I'm starting small yes, but a few things have been ticked off my list that relate specifically to this goodbye ugly robe way of being. (By the way, I am being a bit self-indulgent and humorous when I use this term, as if this is a mantra worth branding. Ha!)

1) I've reached out to two three "experts" in their fields and asked if they would teach me their craft. I got enthusiastic responses from the majority. Soon I will schedule and document the results.

2) I've resolved to take a photo a day, on my phone, not with the idea of being particularly artistic (these are phone photos after all) but with the desire to be intentional about the moments I want to remember. Maybe in the future these will be both nice to look at and intentional. First three:

                    

 3) I've decided to send a postcard a day during the month of February. I'm excited because for the first three days of February, I've just found random postcards around my house, in drawers, tucked into a book...but I'm going out for some thoughtful postcard hunting today, with specific individuals in mind.

The postcard idea just popped into my head on the 1st of February, and then a blog entry I read while settling into work solidified it. Apparently there is this mysterious group called The Postcard Underground that sends notes of congratulations or overall good wishes for the receiver. I liked this spin on things, so I decided my postcards would be more specific notes of gratitude and love for the person receiving them. It's been really exciting to think of who I want to write and imagine the surprise when they get a postcard out of the blue from someone either across the street or across the world who just wants to say you're pretty fantastic, you know that?

The rest of these photos and postcards will be revealed throughout the month OR in one grand display at the very end. We'll just have to see how February shakes out.

goodbye ugly robe

This is my ugly robe. Or rather, this was my ugly robe.

Take a good look:

-It's made to be a look-at-me-I'm-practically-a-towel style of robe. Can you even call that fabric?

-It's a rather unpleasant shade of baby blue.

-It has two gigantic pockets, two gigantic chicken-wing sleeves, and is floor length.

-It has a hood.

-Oh, and the zipper only worked for about a week and then broke, after which is just hung on slightly above my belly button keeping the robe "closed" but only in the most lenient definition of the word "closed."

It was a damn ugly robe.

But as ugly as it was, it was also the inspiration for this online project. You see, the ugly robe came up in conversation with the woman I like to think of as my personal lighthouse in the dark--my beacon when all hope is lost. My life coach of sorts. Ok, my therapist who I pay to listen to me talk and occassionally give me really sage life advice. (If I can't be honest now, at the beginning, how will I ever?)

I told S about my ugly robe. I told her about it in this manner:

[resigned voice] "Well, it's ugly robe season again, so I guess there's that to look forward to."

I think she choked on her herbal tea. While rolling her eyes.

And then she told me something that really hit me at my core, in that part of myself that hears the truth when it most needs to, that internal compass that has no tolerance for bullshit.

She told me--I don't even need to paraphrase here because she was rather succinct--"Well, if you hate it so much, then get rid of it. "

This woman is worth every penny.

Here's the thing, you should probably know before you go on any further, that this project is coming from a place of rather determined intention. It's going to be cheesy at times, and cliche, and probably induce some eye-rolling and uncomfortable laughter (from you and me). Because, honestly, an ugly robe is at the heart of this project, so you know I'm reading into things a little too much. And that I will embrace and continue that trend throughout this process, as I have a rather strong dedication towards "honoring from whence we came."

But S hit on something really true that day. She reminded me that I can't just sit around and wait for my life to happen to me; I need to take an active role in creating the life I want to live. The robe was just a small piece of a larger struggle I was having internally--and that was ripping into my external world--to make ch-ch-changes that I'd deemed necessary long ago, but not found the strength or motivation to make. Simple as that. S hit the nail on the head: quit wallowing and playing the part of victim, throw out your damn ugly robe and beyond that throw out all the other damn ugly robes you are holding onto as well, be they literal or figurative.

The lady really got me thinking. So on not-quite-the-eve (anymore) of the New Year, but close enough to be able to easily visualize myself taking a first step into something unknown but important, I decided to make good on the promises I've made to myself over the years. One of them was writing more, hence putting these thoughts down here. There are plenty more though, and what this goodbye ugly robe project is really about is remembering the life I want to build for just myself--that of course includes other people-- but doesn't start from the assumption that someone else is going to take control of my happiness or dreams or successes or failures. That it is up to me to take the first step forward, even if I stumble a little bit, and see what my life can grow into.

See: cheese has been served already.

Oh, and by the way, there is going to be a new robe. I'm not going to pretend it's sexy-even though the photo would like to imply it is - but it's cozy looking, has a little bit of a ruffled edge around the collar, is a cute flannel pattern, and overall is so much more me. Which is the point. And as S and I discussed, by replacing the zipper with a tie closure, I am asserting the fact that 1) I am not a middle-aged woman with saggy breasts (thank you very much) and 2) I am not resigned to a life in an ugly robe. Read into that if you want to, you probably should.