It's amazing how the desire for something to work can blind us to our most basic self truths - that perhaps, as much as on some levels we'd like to be in a place where something can work, we really just aren't there yet.
I have been trying to transition from briefly - but intensely - dating AW to being her friend, and in the process have discovered some rather ugly sides of myself. There is a desperation, a longing, a forceful "be with me! be with me! be with me!" that is utterly unsexy.
And I think it's present in me because I haven't honestly given myself a shot at cultivating the one relationship I need to cultivate before any of that can work out: the one with myself. AW said to me that as cliche as it sounds, we can't attract love in our life until we have it for ourself.
It's funny, of course I've heard that sentiment expressed numerous times over the course of my life, but something about hearing it at that moment, from this person, really nailed me to the spot. Maybe it's that other truth of: no matter how many times others give wise or good advice to you, until you have the capacity to find that wisdom inside yourself, the good advice of others will fall on deaf ears. So, simply put, I finally heard that statement for what it is, and how true it is.
Like, what specifically is it I think I need or am going to get from a romantic partnership that I can't get from myself? When I came home last night after dropping AW off at her place, I sat with that question for a very long time. Much of what I think I want from a partnership comes down to very basic companionship and affirmation of self. Yikes. I think this blog project is deeply connected to this idea of self-love and befriending myself, but it's super easy to go through the day and forget the many subtle ways we are acting in a way that is not self-loving.
I think I am at this crossroads point in my life - I've been feeling it for many months now but have been avoiding facing it - and what the crossroads is begging of me is to be extremely intentional about self-care and self-love.
So why not list that out (as I so love to do)?
The things I think I want from a relationship AND how I will get them from myself:
An activity partner....................I can create more enjoyment from doing fun activities by myself. Not just errands, but movies, walks in the park, a special visit to a museum, etc.
Someone to cook dinner for.............I will cook a delicious dinner for myself as often as possible and eat it sitting down at my table.
Someone to do small, kind gestures for...............I will buy myself flowers, create silly collages just for me, and find other tangible ways to be caring towards myself.
Backrubs...............thank goodness I recently discovered the best massage therapist ever.
Someone to try new things with...........I can continue taking classes and having experiences that are new to me, either by myself or with a friend.
A spiritual partner.............I can continue to explore my spirituality through going to church, practicing meditation, and reading books. Sitting with myself on this part of the journey is key.
Someone who is very protective of my feelings, my journey, my process & vice versa......well obviously, the whole point is it's time to do this for myself.
There is more, but that's a reasonable start.....time to travel alone, but with some true loving kindess towards myself. I don't want to be "okay" at being alone, I want to enjoy my own company. I don't know how I've gotten so far from that part of myself. Yesterday was a bit of a wake-up call.