Chard Soup - Pretty & Tasty

For me, this is a very happy sight.

I wish you could smell it. This is the start of one of my favorite soup recipes.

Off the wagon, on the wagon - where's the wagon?

I've fallen off the wagon. Face first. Hard.

In the midst of a difficult transition (see: perspectives on surviving a transition), it feels like everything that's good for me has taken a backseat to everything that is easy, which is not always what is healthy or best for me.

Take this post for example: I just spent about an hour finding ways to avoid writing. (Including: this. Twice.)

But here's the thing: I am really feeling like I need something to strive towards right now. Simultaneously, I have started to feel really weird about turning 30 in a few months.

THIS in itself is extremely WEIRD. I mean, I have been rounding up my age for seriously my entire life as a twenty-something. Halfway through my 25th year if you'd ask me my age I'd say "26." Super casually, blinking slowly through the lie that didn't feel one bit deceitful. And this was the case for all my twenties: at some point in the year I'd round up 'cause why the hell not and/or some part of me wanted the future to come more quickly. (I'll analyze that shit in therapy, dontchaworry.)

I'd heard all these thirty-somethings say they were so hapy when their twenties were over and that they really felt like they settled into themselves in their thirties. Well shit, obviously I wanted that! (Sidenote: maybe they were just relieved to have survived their Saturn Returns.)

But suddenly I've started to feel really strange that I am bidding adieu to my twenties. I already started to look in the mirror and have felt the minutes tick away as I stare at a worry line between my eyes that seems more defined in the last few months. Is this line gonna be a permanent mark on my face when the clock strikes midnight on Jan 3rd and I roll into thirtydom?!

But really, the question is: is this where I thought I would be at the start to my 30th year?

Comparisons to others aside, is this who I want to be? Am I living well? Am I successful? How do I define success? Am I having fun? Am I building meaningful relationships? Do I like myself? Do I like my work? How do I recharge? And why the hell do I always fall off the wagon???

With that in mind, I am extremely aware that I could probably use a good visioning-goal-creating-session. Off the top of my head I am pretty sure they will fall into the classic categories of health, relationships, and creativity. Being kind to myself, being kind to others, and making the days a little more whimsical and colorful.

It's hard to even write specifics down right now though, as I'll admit I am afraid of failing. Accountability is a challenging concept for me right now. I see myself in this long plummet from up there on that comfortable wagon and  if I say out-loud what it takes me to get back in that seat, then it is truly only me holding myself back from my dreams. Usually I am pretty good at kicking myself in the butt into action, but right now I'm in some sort of transitional-overload induced holding zone that feels suffocating to my own self-care and nourishment.

Super huge UGH.

Reader(s): how do you set goals and achieve them?

Beauty in the Small Things

There were the most beautiful fall flowers at the market this weekend.

And now I am hand-grinding some black peppercorns for my latest obsession - homemade chai. Side benefit: really good stress reliever. 

La Cocina

Now that I have a new job and it feels like this HUGE weight has been lifted off of me, things are starting to return to center. Things that felt stressful are feeling good again. Cooking felt like such a chore when all my time off was barely enough time to recover from such a stressful job. I was always rushing in the kitchen, rather than enjoying the process - and it's the process of measuring, chopping, mixing, stirring, waiting, contemplating that I so love about cooking and preparing food. That feeling was just not present when I was consumed with work-related anxiety. So it's no wonder with a job that feels more connected to my core values that I am rediscovering the joy in things such as cooking.

I'm loving the color and smell of things in my kitchen. I'm loving taking my time - Sunday I spent hours in the kitchen. I love having music on in the background or preparing a new recipe in complete silence. I am reminded of my time as a naturalist on a bird sanctuary where our most core lesson with the kids was the five senses and experiencing the world with a sense of wonder through sight-sound-smell-taste-touch. This feels alive and well in the kitchen lately.

Yesterday I had this brilliant idea to add chopped up chocolate-covered pretzels to my favorite oatmeal-flax cookie recipe and they are heavenly!

Creativity and joy can flourish when there is true space for it.

Blog vs Journal

So, I haven't really felt like writing lately for ye ol' blog lately. Maybe you've noticed.

I'll come online - to write an update - and I'll stare at the screen for awhile until I decide I'd rather not spend any more of my day staring at a screen. And then I'll turn off the computer and go about my day.

The other day I did a strange thing though: I wrote by hand in my paper journal - a space that has been pretty much ignored since I started this online diary thingamajig.

And, oh wow, it felt SO good.

So maybe I do feel like writing, but not in the way I have been these last few years. To write for an audience (even if small or merely perceived) is totally different than writing for yourself.

Unedited, stream of consciousness, raw honesty - not worried about sounding good or saying the wrong or right thing or oversharing or making people uncomfortable because I'm lonely/bored/uninspired/too inspired/et cetera. I didn't even know I missed that sort of writing, but apparently I did!

I started this goodbyeuglyrobe project to be more intentional about self-care and exploration, but suddenly I am not so sure if I've gotten closer or further away from the heart of the project. Because just thirty minutes of writing by hand - privately, for myself - made me feel closer to myself than I have in many, many entries on here. Cut straight through the BS - even if it did give me a slight hand cramp.

I'll be back. Here and there, when the feeling moves me.

But for the moment, I think I need a little more unedited time just for me.

...



Oh, by the way, my taste-testers told me my green tomato pie turned out perfectly. They couldn't believe it was my first-ever homemade crust. Beginners luck.

There's probably a lesson in there somewhere.

A Pie Story - In Photos

It was a beautiful night.

So I decided to make a pie. Obviously.

Check out my first ever homemade pie crust, crimped edges (sorta), and decorative vents!




Drum-roll please............

Thursday Share

Thought this was utterly fantastic!